Seriously... I'm Kidding Page 12

  Ahhhhhhhh. I’m just gonna close my eyes for a second.

  That sandbar incident was embarrassing. I wish I had asked more questions before I swam out there. It’s called a sandbar. Surely I’m not the first person to swim out there and expect a dolphin to make me a mai tai. They should just call it a lump of sand in the middle of the ocean instead of a sandbar. Stupid ocean. Whatever. I’m over it.

  I mean, I wouldn’t point and laugh at someone if I sent them to a koi pond and they expected the pond to be shy. It sounds like “coy” pond. Whatever. I’m over it for real this time.

  Ooh, I feel something on my arm. I hope it’s not a squirrel. Nope. It’s an ant. That’s sweet. Hi, ant.

  I wonder why we call people antsy. Ants don’t seem to be antsy. If anything, the way they build their tiny little ant huts, they seem very patient and calm. And why is having ants in your pants an expression? I’m sure someone had something else in his or her pants that was just as bothersome before anyone had ants in their pants. Why isn’t it flies in your pants or breadcrumbs in your pants or porcupines in your pants? That would be annoying, too. Poor ants. They really get the what-for just because their name rhymes with “pants.”

  I should call my aunt.

  Boats are pretty. That boat is stopping near that sandbar. Probably expecting to get some drinks. Idiots. They don’t serve drinks there. It’s just a strip of sand.

  You know what’s a funny word? “Palm frond.” “Frond” is a funny word. I wish I had a friend named Frond. This is my friend Frond. This is Frond, my friend. Uh-oh, I said that out loud, too. Now that man is really looking at me. He thinks I’m crazy. The gall of that man to think I’m crazy for talking out loud. I’m not crazy. I’m sure he’s had the same kind of thoughts. I bet he wishes he had a friend named Frond.

  I’m just gonna smile at him. Nope, I shouldn’t have done that. I think I have some brownie stuck to my front tooth. Now he thinks I’m really crazy for talking out loud and missing a front tooth. It’s not like talking out loud and missing a tooth makes you crazy. There are a lot of things that make you crazy, like pushing around a shopping cart all day. I don’t want to label people but usually someone who is not completely balanced has a shopping cart.

  Actually, that’s a smart idea. I should get a shopping cart. What a great invention that is. I don’t carry a purse. I usually put everything I need in my pockets. But it might be fun to push a shopping cart around. I’d put so much stuff in there. People would be like, “Did you just come from the grocery store?” And I’d be like, “No, you fool, this is my purse on wheels.” That’s what I’d call it—a purse on wheels. Or POW. No, I guess I can’t call it that. I don’t want people thinking I’m pushing around a prisoner of war. But maybe if I add an exclamation mark like POW! people would pronounce it like “Wow,” but “Pow!” I don’t know. I guess it would be hard to get it in my car anyway, my purse on wheels. Oh well.

  Hola. That’s how you say hello in Spanish. I knew it would come to me. See, I’m not crazy, sir! Whoops. I said that out loud.

  Romance: A Short Short Story

  Levar and Belinda felt an immediate attraction to one another the moment their eyes met at the Aerosmith reunion tour concert. It was as if they’d known each other their whole lives. They ran to Belinda’s house because it was closer, and they embraced. Was it wrong? Or was it the most right thing ever? They cuddled by the fire, his hand upon her thigh, and talked of their future. Then they did stuff to each other all night long.

  Dreams

  I am fascinated by people’s dreams. Not dreams like, “I wanna be a pilot when I grow up!” Those are stupid and boring. I mean the dreams you have when you go to sleep at night. Or—because I don’t mean to exclude anybody—if you’re an owl reading this, the dreams you have when you go to sleep during the day.

  Dreams are supposed to represent things going on in our subconscious mind. And I don’t know how you feel about it, but that terrifies me. What in the world can be going on in my subconscious mind that makes me dream I’m a loom worker living in Albuquerque in the house I grew up in with Jamie Lee Curtis, three lions, and Kermit the Frog? Actually, never mind. I don’t want to know.

  I realize I just forced you to read a description of one of my dreams. I know it can be annoying when your friends make you listen to their dreams, so I don’t usually do that to people. I’m sure y’all have crazy dreams of your own to analyze and I’m not here to burden you with mine! That would be really, really annoying.

  Except last night I did have a dream you should hear about because you were in it. I know that sounds crazy, but you were. You. Yes, you. Don’t look over your shoulder. I mean, you you. The reader. You and I were ice-skating in Germany with the pope and Colonel Sanders. Crazy, right? I know! I had no idea they hung out together. Colonel Sanders wasn’t a very good ice-skater and he kept falling down. But the pope was amazing—he kept doing these figure eights that were truly Olympic caliber. I asked him if he’d ever be interested in joining my ice hockey league. In my dream I was in an ice hockey league. It was very surprising because in real life I’ve never stepped foot on an ice-skating rink. It’s not that I can’t skate, I just don’t like to be that cold. And also I can’t skate.

  The pope said he was interested but I have to be honest—it felt like one of those “Yeah… sure… I’ll call you to talk about it” answers. But I understood. He’s the pope.

  Anyway, at one point I noticed you had some sauerkraut on your lip, so I said, “You have some sauerkraut on your lip.” And you were like, “Here?” And I was like, “No, other side.” So you tried to remove it with your tongue, but when your tongue came out of your mouth it was about three feet long, like some reptile. And then—and then—you turned into a Komodo dragon. You know, those big lizards you find on islands near Japan. So I start to think, “Oh great. How am I gonna get these ice skates off of this Komodo dragon and return them?” because they were rented and I had left a ten-dollar deposit. And at that point I wasn’t sure if you were a Komodo dragon and still my friend or just a real Komodo dragon—and Komodo dragons are poisonous, not to mention how strong their tails are. So I said, “Betsy”—Is that your name? Well, it was in the dream. Anyway, I said “Betsy” to find out if you knew you were a Komodo dragon. I thought if you were still Betsy you could speak like a human, even with that tongue.

  Well, what happened next, you won’t believe! You didn’t answer me. Instead, you just started singing. You got up on your hind legs, balancing on your tail, and started belting out some old Broadway musical. Ethel Merman suddenly appeared and was singing with you. A large crowd gathered all around and when you both finished the tune, everyone applauded and cheered. People were saying, “Hey, that Komodo dragon can really sing.” I said, “That’s Betsy. She’s my friend.” I was so proud of you. You bowed and you scratched Ethel Merman with your tail, but she was so happy with your performance she didn’t even mind.

  Then two seconds later, somehow we were back in the States and it was the early nineties and you were on Star Search. You were still part Komodo dragon, and I had a special gown made for you so your tail could stick out. It was very expensive. You were a little nervous to sing in front of Ed McMahon because you loved him so much, but you sang great. You got two and three-quarter stars. Unfortunately, you were beaten by the rock group Journey.

  You were heartbroken that you lost, so I took you out to a bar to have a few cocktails. We were having a great time until some drunk guy started making fun of your dress. I punched him in the stomach, and I got thrown out. You didn’t even try and take up for me. You were such a bitch! You know what—who do you think you are after all we’ve been through? I don’t even know how you had the nerve to buy my book. I’m assuming you finally got your operation to turn back into a human, probably with the money I made you. Don’t walk away while I’m talking at you. Who’s calling you right now? Was that a text? From your new best friend? I wonder if you ever told her that you were a rept
ile in your past. I bet she wouldn’t be so quick to drive you to the airport now, knowing all those lies about you. Not so cool anymore, huh?

  I’m sorry I lashed out. You didn’t deserve that. It was just a dream and obviously I’m dealing with some reptilian issues that have nothing to do with you. I’m so glad you bought my book. Please enjoy the rest of the chapters that are probably not about you. You look great as a human, by the way. What kind of moisturizer do you use?

  Seriously… I’m Kidding

  One of the most challenging parts of writing a book is coming up with the title. You can’t have a book without a title. You can’t. I asked. And it’s very important because the title is the first thing people hear about the book, so you need a good one.

  Seeing as this is my third book, it was even more challenging because I already used up two good titles, My Point… and I Do Have One and The Funny Thing Is… (Why not own the complete set? Available everywhere books are sold.)

  To come up with the title for this book I thought it would be helpful to look over some best-seller lists and see what titles have been successful in the past. Based on that, at first I thought about calling my book either Eat, Pray, Love 2 or Harry Potter and the Lord of the Twilight Trilogy or The Joy of Sex Part 2: Additional Joys. Unfortunately, my lawyer said I wasn’t allowed to use any of those because of some crazy thing called “copyright infringement.” That turned out to be for the best because as soon as I started to write the first few chapters of The Joy of Sex Part 2, I felt deeply uncomfortable.

  I finally decided on Seriously… I’m Kidding because, well, seriously… I’m kidding. (You’ll notice it has the signature “…” that all of my book titles have. I considered not using the “…” and calling it Seriously, I’m Kidding or Seriously? I’m Kidding or Seriously % I’m Kidding but in the end I decided to be consistent with my other books. I’m a big fan of consistency. And beet juice.)

  Since I’m a comedian people usually know that I’m kidding. In fact, more often than not people assume I’m kidding even when I’m trying to be serious. That can be frustrating when I’m at the doctor’s or dentist’s office. I’ll say something like, “Your elbow is digging into my neck” or “I think I need more Novocain” and the hygienist will laugh and laugh like it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard.

  It’s always funny to me when people have to clarify that they’re kidding. This usually happens after they’ve delivered an insult to someone that was intended to be a joke, such as “Well at least if it rains we can seek shelter under your bangs! I’m just kidding. I love those bangs. Seriously… I’m kidding.” Here’s a professional tip: If you have to say you’re kidding, it might not be a great joke.

  I also like the title because it reminds me of the fact that we always contradict ourselves when we talk. We say things like, “Would I like to go to that concert? Yeah, maybe.” And when someone is telling a good story we say, “Shut up! Then what happened?” I once surprised a friend by showing up unannounced at a party and she yelled, “Get out! Come over here!” I didn’t know what to do.

  There are “well-known secrets” out there and there are people who are “so happy they could die.” Sometimes people are so sad they have to laugh and sometimes things feel so wrong, they’re right. Basically what I’m saying is, I usually don’t know what people are talking about.

  I don’t know how we can be serious and kidding at the same time, but I do seriously hope you’re enjoying Seriously… I’m Kidding. Pass it around, recommend it to friends, maybe buy a copy for your mother-in-law in case she’s too cheap to buy one herself. No, I’m just kidding. Please don’t tell her I said that. It was just a joke. Seriously… I’m kidding.

  Last Chapter

  Well, we’ve come to the end of our journey. This sure was a wild ride, wasn’t it? I’ve had a wonderful time talking to you and I think we can both walk away from this experience having learned a little something about each other. I certainly learned a lot about you through the book’s built-in camera that I never told you about.

  So in conclusion and in summary and summation and to wrap things up in a way that will bring things to a close before we say good-bye in a conclusiatory fashion, let me leave you with these parting words: Be happy. Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system. Do things that make you feel good and proud. It can be almost anything. Name something. Yes, sure, try that.

  Contribute to the world. Help people. Help one person. Help someone cross the street today. Help someone with directions unless you have a terrible sense of direction. Help someone who’s trying to help you. Just help. Make an impact. Show someone you care. Say yes instead of no. Say something nice. Smile. Make eye contact. Hug. Kiss. Get naked.

  Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, “I can’t tell if that person is laughing or crying but either way they seem crazy, let’s walk faster.” Emote. It’s okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.

  Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in. Even if it’s different from what your neighbors believe in and different from what your parents believe in. Stay true to yourself. Have your own opinion. Don’t worry about what people say about you or think about you. Let the naysayers nay. They will eventually grow tired of naying.

  I don’t mean to tell you what to do or how to live your lives, but those are some of the things that have worked for me. And I believe with all my heart and soul that even if we try the teeniest tiniest bit we can make this world a much happier and healthier one. And if we try even harder, we can do some pretty spectacular things. I know sometimes it seems like a world that has a blanket with sleeves can’t get any better, but I think it can.

  Thank you for purchasing, downloading, borrowing, reading, and/or listening to this book and for joining me on this adventure. I don’t mind that you dripped coffee all over the pages or got sand in the crease or almost left me behind on a train by accident. I’m just happy we got to spend some time together and I look forward to a beautiful future.

  Oh, and you have something in your tooth. Other one. There you go. You got it.

  Fin.

  ELLEN DEGENERES is a beloved stand-up comedian, television host, bestselling author, actress, and midwife. She currently hosts The Ellen DeGeneres Show and has hosted both the Academy Awards and the Primetime Emmy Awards. She would host you for dinner if she got to know you better.

  Contents

  Front Cover Image

  Welcome

  Dedication

  Acknowledgments

  A Note from the Author

  Writing This Book

  CoverGirl

  How to Be a Supermodel

  Stuff

  Personally Speaking

  The Secret of Life

  The Secret of Life—Part Two

  Thunderclap: A Short Short Story

  Journal Entries

  Important Words

  Family

  What Would Jesus Do?

  Haiku

  Stretching

  Meditation

  Guided Meditation

  Random Things That Might Help You But Probably Won’t

  American Idol, Or “If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say, Don’t Say Anything at All”

  Common Courtesy

  Sauna

  Answers to Frequently Asked Questions

  Labels

  For the Children—Part One

  For the Children—Part Two

  Talking Hard

  Pros and Cons

  Additional Thank-Yous

  Babies, Animals, and Baby Animals

  My Bucket List

  I Am Not Lazy

  Aspirations: A Short Short Story

  Social Skills

  Dinner with a Psychic

  Ideas

  For the Teenagers

  For the Adults Who Don’t Understand the For the Teenagers Chapter and Re
ally Want To

  The Longest Chapter

  Tweet Chapter

  Deep Thinkers and Not So Deep Thinkers

  Chapter for the Audiobook Listeners

  Honesty

  Don’t Worry, Be Happy

  Magic

  Girl Power

  Boredom

  Ellen’s Guide to Gift Giving

  Pondering

  Adults Only Chapter

  Gambling Tips

  Timeline of a Celebrity’s Day

  Sleep

  Letter to Mall Security

  How to Become a Billionaire

  5 Extremely Easy Ways to Make a Lot of Money

  Inside My Head

  Romance: A Short Short Story

  Dreams

  Seriously… I’m Kidding

  Last Chapter

  About the Author

  Also by Ellen DeGeneres

  Copyright

  Also by Ellen DeGeneres

  My Point… And I Do Have One

  The Funny Thing Is…

  * Unconfirmed at time of printing.

  ** Unable to pinpoint exact race placement and/or involvement in race at time of printing.

  *** In my neighbor’s yard. Don’t say anything.

  **** At time of printing, I was told this could never happen under any circumstances. But you know what I say, and this is an important life lesson, Readers—never say never.†

  † I mentioned “never say never” to the British man I spoke with on the phone. He said in this case one could in fact say “never” because this can never happen, as I am not a “British” “citizen.” So, unconfirmed at time of printing.